


Shake, Bend, and Break

by reflection0112



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 05:29:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6892063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reflection0112/pseuds/reflection0112
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyungsoo has been in love with Junmyeon since they were kids and he never had a chance to tell him...until fifteen years later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shake, Bend, and Break

**Author's Note:**

> This might not be what my recipient has been expecting because I changed my mind a lot of times regarding which prompt to use. Lol. But I hope the recipient will like this one, I’m sorry if I kind of drifted away from the prompt that was given. (The title came from Troye Sivan’s song)

Kyungsoo sighs as he plops his body on Baekhyun's fleece-covered couch, fingers coming up to massage his head. Man, he could use an espresso shot right now, but he doubts Baekhyun would allow him to touch the latter's expensive coffee machine. 

"What is it this time?" Baekhyun finally comes around, browsing through something on his phone and kicks him on the shins. Kyungsoo wouldn't move though, so Baekhyun gives up and proceeds to sit on the former's legs instead. "Your boss being a bitch? Unpaid overtime? Piled up bills? Annoying cab driver? Denied salary raise? What?"

Kyungsoo finally moves, causing Baekhyun to bounce on his seat. Kyungsoo attempts to sit up, but decided to lie back down at the last minute. "I got dumped," he breathes.

Baekhyun animatedly gasps, finally taking his eyes off his screen to look at Kyungsoo. 

"By that steamy hot dancer?" Baekhyun screeches that had Kyungsoo flinching. "What's wrong with you Do Kyungsoo? That one time I saw you two I thought 'wow, Kyungsoo's finally getting his shit together', but what have you done? And for the record, he looked like he was legit in love with you." 

"He was. He probably still is," Kyungsoo mumbles against his hand. 

Baekhyun sighs and slumps on his seat, reaching to rub on Kyungsoo's left arm. "Who knew a petty grade school crush could evolve into this?"

"I know, right? It kinda sucks," breathes Kyungsoo as he opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling. 

"Well, on the brighter side, we didn't go through the hassle of making you a Tinder account for nothing, did we?" 

Baekhyun stands up to smirk down at him. Kyungsoo groans and rolls on the couch so it's the back of his head that's facing Baekhyun. 

"Jongin deleted it when he took hold of my phone last week," he chunters. 

"Bummer," Baekhyun hisses and plops back down on Kyungsoo's legs. 

Kyungsoo was starting to get comfortable in his position, sleep almost taking over his consciousness until Baekhyun bounced on his legs that Kyungsoo swore he almost had a fracture. 

"Oh, would you look at that," Baekhyun chirps excitedly. "I think we were just saved from making you another account." 

And then a blinding light suddenly attacked Kyungsoo's half-asleep mind. 

"What the actual fu-" it was not the blinding light that woke Kyungsoo up but what was written on the screen.

 

_**Junmyeon Kim** went from being "In A Relationship" to "Single" _

 

And beside it was a photo that took Kyungsoo's breath away because, _heck, how can he still look this good_.

It must be the adrenaline, Kyungsoo wasn't sure, but right at the next second he managed to throw Baekhyun to the floor as he sat up. 

"How?" Kyungsoo takes the phone from Baekhyun and slowly reads the sentence again. 

Baekhyun cackles at Kyungsoo's shocked expression. 

"Isn't he engaged for like, a year now?" Kyungsoo finally looks at Baekhyun, confusion still evident on his face.

Baekhyun shakes his head as he gets up and takes the seat beside Kyungsoo. "My my, in which century do you think you're living in now? Even ten-year-old marriages die nowadays. What do you expect?" 

Kyungsoo's eyes are still fixed on the screen as if he was holding a winning lottery ticket, "I know, I just didn't think-"

"That it'll take you fifteen years to finally have a chance on him?" Baekhyun cuts in and snatches the device from him.

"What chance? Who said I have a chance? I don't even know-“

Baekhyun, again, flashes the screen right at his face.

 

**Seoul High School Batch '08 Reunion Party**  
_ Private Event _  
_ Saturday, at 8 PM _  
_ Club B One, Itaewon _

 

Kyungsoo was giddy for a few seconds after reading the event banner, but after internalizing the situation, he realizes something.

"We're not sure if he'll be there though," Kyungsoo leans back on the couch. "He's probably too brokenhearted to go out and pretend he missed the high school life."

"Dude, he just clicked the "going" button. Why do you have to be so pessimistic all the time?" Baekhyun glares at him. "And don't you dare tell me you don't have clothes to wear or you don't know how to go. I'll take care of everything and just prepare jaw-dropping punchlines."

Kyungsoo was about to punch Baekhyun at his comment, but he thinks he’d end up thanking him after that night. He just takes his own phone and views the said event, scrolling through the list of people who affirmed that they would go.

He furrows his eyebrows and looks at Baekhyun, "Who holds a high school reunion at a club, though?" 

"Who cares? It will be more fun to do it like that. Plus, it's not like the teachers will be there to scold us if we did more than just dance," Baekhyun simpers as he continues to scroll through his phone.

"Oh, so it relieves you that you won't bump into our math teacher you almost hooked up with?"

Kyungsoo receives a kick on the hip in return.

 

>>

 

The moment he stepped in the club, Kyungsoo immediately regretted coming. Pulling at the neckline of his shirt, Kyungsoo slowly tries to walk his way without getting known. 

He was kinda successful though, because the crowd were already busy in the dance floor. He was glad to find the bar empty, he was not in the mood to engage himself in awkward small talks. 

_Not in these clothes_ , he thinks as he takes a stool for himself while fixing the neckline of his shirt. 

When Baekhyun said he'll take care of everything, Kyungsoo didn't expect (actually, he would have, but his mind was clouded with thoughts of seeing Junmyeon again) to come clad in skinny leather pants and an almost see-through sweater that has a wide neckline it reveals his collarbones to the world.

The bartender approaches and Kyungsoo asks for a glass of club soda and lime, the only drink he's going to have tonight. Having Baekhyun out of his sight, he figured he's going to end up driving him home. 

Even if he wanted to go without him, Kyungsoo didn't want to take a cab in those clothes. And he came with Baekhyun in the latter's car, so he'd have to be a little patient. 

His sole purpose for coming, which was to see Junmyeon, was completely thrown out of the window. He and Baekhyun were already an hour late, and he still has not seen a glimpse of Junmyeon anywhere. 

The bartender slides his drink across the bar, and when Kyungsoo looks at him, the bartender winks. 

"Smile pretty, it's on me." 

Kyungsoo glares at him and the bartender walks away as if Kyungsoo was out to take his life.

Kyungsoo sighs as he takes out his phone, he decides to try his luck with color switch today.

Five stars away from beating the high score, Kyungsoo was disturbed by a poke on his shoulder. 

"How dare you?" he snaps but was stunned when he saw who it was.

"You look like you're willing to be anywhere but here." 

The place suddenly brightened and Kyungsoo thinks he was hearing bells. He must be hallucinating because Junmyeon is right there, smiling right at him. 

He lifts his glass and sniffs to check if the bartender has sneaked some kind of drug in his drink, but there wasn’t anything weird. But of course, those kinds of drugs weren’t supposed to smell weird or else it’ll blow up its cover, how stupid of him. 

He was about to stand up to strangle the bartender when he thinks of something. He decides that while he was at it, he might as well check him out. This Junmyeon is like what he has ever dreamed of, all fresh and dressed in neat clothing – navy blue sweater over a white button down and khaki pants. He was suddenly embarrassed of the ones he was wearing.

Kyungsoo was woken up from his reverie when Junmyeon waves a hand at his face. “Kyungsoo, is there something wrong?”

Kyungsoo almost fell from his seat. Junmyeon is real and Kyungsoo wishes the ground would swallow him whole. He hastily shakes his head and Junmyeon chuckles, "I'm underdressed, I know. You can be honest with me. I drove here from the office, so I didn't have time to change, if that's what you want to know."

He coughs to get rid of the lump in his throat. "No, you look just fine." _Extra fine._

Junmyeon asks for a shot of vodka from the bartender. He turns to Kyungsoo and smiles, "So, back to the main topic. What are you doing here?" 

"I was uhm...invited?" Kyungsoo tries, but Junmyeon scoffs.

"I meant here, not there," Junmyeon points at the dance floor where everyone are trying to catch up while grinding against one another. 

"Oh," Kyungsoo looks down and takes a sip of his drink. "I was kinda dragged here." _By the thought of you coming._  

"I figured. Well if that's the case," Junmyeon downs his vodka in one gulp, "run away with me?"

"What?" Kyungsoo turned his head so quickly that he heard something crack in his neck. 

Junmyeon laughs at Kyungsoo's baffled state and hands his card to the bartender, "Let's get away from here, find some peace and air."

When the bartender returns with Junmyeon's card, he takes Kyungsoo's hand in his own and drags him to the exit.

Kyungsoo meets Baekhyun's eyes on the way, and he swore his friend's eyes have never been that big before. 

 

>>

 

After stopping by the convenience store to grab a pack of soju, Junmyeon parks his car at a spot by the Han River. He goes out of the car first before opening the door for Kyungsoo. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't bring anything for us to sit on," Junmyeon says, pinching his right earlobe and avoids Kyungsoo's eyes. 

_An old habit_ , Kyungsoo notes.

Kyungsoo proceeds to sit on the grass and smiles up at Junmyeon, "It's okay, I don't mind."

Junmyeon smiles back and plops down next to him.  He opens a bottle and hands it to Kyungsoo, then opens another and takes a swig. 

"Ah, this is refreshing. I haven't had this in a while," Junmyeon sighs and leans back on his right arm.

Kyungsoo takes a sip and his body shivers. He remembers about his clothes not being appropriate when he's out in the open. 

Junmyeon notices this and suddenly he was taking off his sweater, leaving him in a perfectly fitting white button down. Kyungsoo can't help but to ogle at him and didn't notice Junmyeon's arm that was holding out the sweater for him to take.

"Here, you must be cold," Junmyeon says as he moves closer to Kyungsoo and attempts to dress him up. 

Flustered, Kyungsoo takes the sweater from him and puts it on, filling his nostrils with Junmyeon's smell. 

"Thank you," Kyungsoo mumbles, basking in Junmyeon's scent and warmth, and remembers all the reasons why he fell in love with him. 

Junmyeon pats him on the back and takes another swig. "How many years has it been? Seven? Eight? Since we last saw each other?"

Kyungsoo stares at him, noting how strange Junmyeon's smile is as he looks at the night sky. 

"Seven years and nine months since our high school graduation," he replies.

Junmyeon nods and turns to him, "Come to think of it, you never really showed up since then. What were you up to?"

Kyungsoo nervously gulps, "I've been busy." _Trying to get over you._

"Too busy you can't even call your best friend?" Junmyeon looks at him with a hurt expression that had Kyungsoo shivering even more. 

It took all of Kyungsoo's energy not to yell at him, for being so unfair, for making Kyungsoo fall for him and hurting him in all places, and still be able to sweep Kyungsoo off his feet years later. Kyungsoo wanted to punch him for having the nerve to blame Kyungsoo for not keeping in touch, when all those years all Kyungsoo did was attempt to save himself from falling into a quicksand that is Junmyeon, and meeting him today was a confirmation that there is no way out, that Kyungsoo already fell, deep.

Instead, Kyungsoo looks away and downs the remaining soju in his bottle. 

Junmyeon must have noticed the shift in Kyungsoo's mood, because at the next moment he has moved closer and wrappped an arm around Kyungsoo.

"I'm kidding," Junmyeon chuckles, "I just missed you." 

And it only took that statement for hope to spark in Kyungsoo's heart again. 

 

<<

 

_Kyungsoo was fifteen when he first had a taste of alcohol. It was the last day of classes before summer break, and Junmyeon dragged him to their favorite spot by the Han River._

_ Junmyeon has taken out a mat from his unusually large backpack and sets it down on the grass. When they were already seated, Junmyeon takes out two green bottles from the bottom of his bag. _

_ "Where did you get that?" Kyungsoo gasps. _

_ Junmyeon giggles at his reaction, "Hyung hides a stash under his bed. And don't worry, he kind of caught me red-handed, he let me off when I said I was gonna drink it with you." _

_ Junmyeon opens a bottle and hands it to Kyungsoo, he opens the other and takes a sip, grimacing at the taste.  _

_ "Are you sure about this?" Kyungsoo asks, frowning as he sniffed on the content of his own bottle. _

_ "Come on, try it," Junmyeon slaps him on his shoulder, "Hyung suggests we get used to drinking as early as now."  _

_ "What a nice advice," Kyungsoo spats, scowling after finally having a sip. "This is a bad idea," he mutters. _

_ "We'll get used to the taste later, trust me," Junmyeon confidently says as he takes a gulp, leaning on his right arm.  _

_ The sky was starting to get darker, they were supposed to be dismissed from class earlier, but since it was the last day, their friends kept them from leaving early as they bid their farewells.  _

_ Kyungsoo shivered when he felt the summer breeze, and suddenly, a sweater was over his head. _

_ "Seriously, who gets cold during summer?" Junmyeon playfully whines, fixing the sweater on Kyungsoo. _

_ "The one who brings a sweater around, obviously," Kyungsoo smirks. _

_ Junmyeon reaches out to knock on his forehead, "I brought it for you, silly." _

_ Maybe it was a side effect of the alcohol, or probably the weather, Kyungsoo wasn't sure, but he felt his intestines started to dance in a way that sends heat to his entire being. _

_ He looks down, trying to hide the blush that he assumed was there. "Thank you," he mumbles. _

_ Junmyeon clears his throat and Kyungsoo promptly looks up, "Kyungsoo, I actually have something to tell you." _

_ "What is it?"  _

_ "I think I'm in love." _

_ And it only took that statement for Kyungsoo to feel something die inside him. _

 

>>

 

"How was last night? You look like you had a lot of fun," was the first thing that Baekhyun said when Kyungsoo walked into the kitchen. 

Baekhyun is the only person who knows the passcode to Kyungsoo's flat. And seeing two plates of french toasts and a working coffee maker, Kyungsoo knew he made the right decision. 

Kyungsoo plops on a chair and takes a bite off a toast, "We just had soju and talked, nothing much."

"Of course you wouldn't tell me everything now, would you? I know, I understand," Baekhyun teases as he offers Kyungsoo a cup of coffee.

Kyungsoo glares at him, "What about you? I'm surprised you aren't suffering from hangover."

Baekhyun waves him off, taking a seat across Kyungsoo, "I'm just good at handling it."

They continue eating in silence, until Kyungsoo's phone buzzes in his pocket.

 

_**Kim Junmyeon:**   Good morning! :) _

 

Kyungsoo almost choked on his coffee after reading the message. He doesn't even remember exchanging numbers with Junmyeon last night.

"What's wrong? Is that him?" Baekhyun goes around the table to peek at Kyungsoo's phone. 

Kyungsoo was about to hide his phone from Baekhyun's prying eyes when it buzzes again.

 

**_Kim Junmyeon:_ ** _Say, are you free today?_

 

Baekhyun gasps and pushes Kyungsoo by the shoulder he almost kissed the table.

"Wow, dude you're too fast, he's already asking you out on a date," Baekhyun laughs as Kyungsoo glares at him. 

"Shut up. We're just friends, hanging out, catching up," he tries to clarify but Baekhyun just rolls his eyes at him.

Kyungsoo stares at his phone for too long until Baekhyun stands up to bring his empty plate to the sink. He walks out of the kitchen and started to gather his stuff. "Look, I have a date today. I just came to check if you were sober enough to be alone. I'll go now-"

"Wait!" Kyungsoo calls out from the kitchen. He raises his phone so the screen faces Baekhyun, "what do I say?"

 

>>

 

"I was ecstatic when you said you were free, I was serious when I said I missed you, you know," Junmyeon exclaims.

They decided to meet at the coffee shop near Kyungsoo's place. Half an hour after Kyungsoo agreed to meet, Junmyeon texted to inform him he was already at their meeting place. 

"So, what are we gonna do today?" Kyungsoo asks, watching Junmyeon take a bite off his sandwich.

Junmyeon chews for a few seconds and swallows with the help of his iced tea. "Breakfast first? You should eat too."

"No thanks," Kyungsoo grins. "I already had mine, Baekhyun cooked for me."

"Baekhyun? As in Byun Baekhyun?" Junmyeon blurts in surprise.

Kyungsoo chuckles at his expression, "Yes, that same Baekhyun you knew from high school."

"Do you two live together?" Junmyeon questions tentatively.

"No, we're neighbours, I think. He lives a block away from me, but we stay at each other's place from time to time, if we need someone to talk to," Kyungsoo explains. 

"Hey!" Junmyeon suddenly cries, slightly pouting. "How come you were able to keep in touch with him but not with me? I thought I was your closest friend?"

_You were, before I figured I have stopped regarding you as a friend_ , Kyungsoo almost blurted out but he covered it by rolling his eyes, "We met at work. It was a coincidence. Don't be overdramatic."

Kyungsoo wonders why he's always the one to do the explanations.

 

<<

 

_It was a Monday in his first year of middle school, and Kyungsoo was barely able to keep his eyes open through the lecture in History class. The only thing that's keeping him from completely dozing off was the thought that lunch break's in five minutes and he's gonna sit with Junmyeon, per usual._

_ When the bell rang, it was Kyungsoo who stood up first and greeted his teacher goodbye. He raced his way to the cafeteria and as always, Junmyeon was already sitting on their spot. _

_ The strange thing is, Junmyeon was already eating, from his own lunchbox, when Kyungsoo took his seat.  _

_ "Hey, you should've told me you were bringing your own, I shouldn't have bothered cooking an extra batch," he spat, a little hurt. _

_ But despite that, Junmyeon continued eating and wouldn't even look up to meet his eyes. Kyungsoo notes how he wasn't paying attention to anything, he wasn't even looking directly at his food. _

_ And it troubles Kyungsoo whenever Junmyeon is not his usual bubbly self. So he boldly grabs Junmyeon's right hand to get his attention. _

_ "I'm eating!" Junmyeon growls and pulls his hand away. _

_ "Is there something wrong?" Kyungsoo hesitantly asks. _

_ Junmyeon looks up at him for a mere second before staring back down. "Why don't you just give Baekhyun your extra lunch? He looks like he's taking too much time in the queue." _

_ "What are you talking about?"  _

_ "I'm saying go to him and just leave me alone," Junmyeon murmurs, almost inaudibly. _

_ Kyungsoo was starting to lose his temper, he hasn't slept well last night and he was hungry. However, it is very unusual for Junmyeon to be this upset, and it hurts Kyungsoo to see him like this. _

_ "Myeon, you're not making any sense," Kyungsoo hisses, trying his best to keep calm. _

_ "Don't call me that," Junmyeon suddenly snaps. "And of course, this is not making any sense. The fact that you're sitting here and not with that guy is not making any sense, at all." _

_ Kyungsoo closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, "Kim Junmyeon, you're goig to explain to me what is going on or I'm going to shove your face onto your lunchbox." _

_ "I saw you two okay," Junmyeon finally speaks, "I went to your house yesterday so we can try my new game, but your mom said that you were busy with Baekhyun in your room. I can't believe you didn't even give a heads up about me being replaced as your best friend." _

_ Kyungsoo rests an elbow on the table and clutches his forehead. Junmyeon was startled when Kyungsoo started laughing. _

_ "Are you crazy?" _

_ " _ You _ are crazy. We were finishing a project for music class and we were short on time," Kyungsoo playfully rolls eyes. "Stop being paranoid. And because of that, you'd have to eat another meal." _

_ Junmyeon groans. _

 

>>

 

Kyungsoo was on the verge of running out of breath, and his legs are close to giving up on him. He was thankful the weather is colder today or else he'll be bathing in sweat. 

He smiles in relief when he finally sees his target standing beside a ticketing machine.

"Sorry I'm late," Kyungsoo pants, both hands on his knees.

Junmyeon gasps at the sight and immediately pulls Kyungsoo to a bench. "What happened to you?"

Kyungsoo catches his breath first before answering, "The traffic was hell, I needed to get out of the cab midway or else I'd be sitting there 'til midnight. By the way, we aren't late right?"

"No, the movie's starting in an hour," Junmyeon smiles reassuringly and started to rub on Kyungsoo's back.

"Which one did you buy? Oh, and how much do I owe you?" Kyungsoo asks.

Junmyeon smiles at him and shakes his head, "Nothing, it's my treat, since you got out of hell fine."

"Very funny," Kyungsoo laughs sarcastically and takes the tickets from Junmyeon. "Really? Out of all the options, you chose a melodrama?"

"Well it seems interesting? And the plot said something about reminiscing an old friendship, I think it suits us well," Kyungsoo wanted to punch Junmyeon's shit-eating grin out of his face, but because he loves him too much, he fought back his urge and stood up.

"Whatever. Why don't we buy some snack, I'm really hungry, I hope they sell something heavy," he says, walking to the snackbar.

 

>>

 

Halfway through the movie, Kyungsoo wanted to run out of the cinema because Junmyeon kept on laughing obnoxiously at the lamest jokes said by the characters, that the other viewers are giving them dirty looks. 

Kyungsoo would sink lower on his seat everytime it happens. But despite having a noisy seatmate, Kyungsoo was enjoying the movie so far. 

It was surprisingly a feel-good movie, unlike the usual melodramas that aren't even close to reality. This one aims to make the audience feel nostalgic, taking them back to their teenage years. 

It was when the story made an unexpected turn that Kyungsoo felt something heavy settling in his chest. The actors were so good that they made him feel like he was there. (That, or Kyungsoo was just naturally overemotional.)

The next thing he knew, hot tears were rolling down his eyes. He brings a hand up to cover his eyes but the tears won't stop coming. Damn, he hates having a soft heart.

He turns to check on Junmyeon. He expects to see him bawling his eyes out and having a difficulty in breathing, which explains why his heart stopped at that moment. Junmyeon was smiling fondly at him and there's a certain spark in his eyes. 

An overwhelming feeling fills Kyungsoo and more tears fall. He looks away to somehow save himself from embarrassment, and to try to at least breathe. 

But then warmth suddenly envelops him as Junmyeon pulls him closer, his other hand pushing Kyungsoo's head to lean on his shoulder. When Kyungsoo's head was comfortably settled under his chin, Junmyeon takes Kyungsoo's hand in his, his thumb drawing circles across Kyungsoo's palm. 

The gesture was supposed to soothe him, but it does the exact opposite. His heart started pounding violently against his chest so he buries his face deeper into Junmyeon's neck to suppress it. 

At that moment, two things satisfied Kyungsoo and made him want to stay there forever - Junmyeon's nice scent, and his heart beating as excitedly as Kyungsoo's.

 

<<

 

_ Ever since they moved in, Kyungsoo spent every single day of his summer breaks with Junmyeon, except when his family goes out of town to pay his grandparents a visit. _

_ They go on different adventures every summer. Last year, the summer after fourth grade, they rented different video games and they played on Junmyeon's brand new play station everyday. This year, they decided to binge watch anime series, a different one for each day. _

_ Today was scheduled for Prince of Tennis, Kyungsoo's ultimate favorite. Junmyeon even insisted that they should wear their complete set of Seigaku uniform that his brother got them for Christmas. Kyungsoo opposed, saying the idea is lame, but Junmyeon convinced him that no one would know anyway, so Kyungsoo halfheartedly agreed. _

_ Junmyeon has everything prepared when Kyungsoo arrived at his room. The moment Kyungsoo sat down beside him, Junmyeon pressed the play button.  _

_ The day lasted with the both of them loudly cheering for the protagonist's team. They didn't even mind the time until they reached the final episode did they notice that it was already dark outside.  _

_ It was during the ending credits of the last episode that melancholy started to wash over Kyungsoo. The highlight scenes of the whole series were being played with a dramatic background music, and Kyungsoo hated its effect on him.  _

_ Against his will, his eyes started to shed tears as the finale of his favorite anime series unfold before him. Kyungsoo covers his face with both hands and buries his head in between his knees. Junmyeon must be thinking he's being weird now. (Not that Junmyeon himself isn't, it's just that, Kyungsoo isn't usually like this.)  _

_ Having that in mind, Kyungsoo hides deeper into his makeshift shell, until a hand buries itself in there and fishes Kyungsoo's head out. From his knees Kyungsoo finds his face lying comfortably on Junmyeon's chest. His right arm has enveloped Kyungsoo into a half hug, while his left hand is rubbing soothing circles across Kyungsoo's palm.  _

_ And that was the exact moment when Kyungsoo felt it.  _

_ Being in Junmyeon's arms suddenly felt like it was the best place that Kyungsoo has ever been. He has started to smell like vanilla, and marshmallows, and everything pleasant. His body warmth felt so satisfying that Kyungsoo doesn't even mind the hug even if it was summer. _

_ Kyungsoo looked up, and he halfheartedly regretted doing so. Junmyeon was glowing, especially now that he was smiling at Kyungsoo. And Kyungsoo hates it.  _

_ He hates it because it triggered a ticklish feeling in his stomach, and his heart is racing abnormally, and he feels like he's going to melt. He hates it because as much as he wanted Junmyeon to stop looking at him like that, he likes it. He likes that feeling that Junmyeon is giving him, but he hates the fact that Junmyeon wouldn't let him think properly.  _

_ Kyungsoo hates that feeling that's why he runs away and never looks back even when Junmyeon shouts his name.  _

_ He locks himself in his room and doesn't talk to anyone. That was until his mom knocks on his door saying Junmyeon is looking for him.  _

_ Kyungsoo opens it and faces his mom, "Tell him I'm in the toilet or something. My stomach is in pain that's why I ran straight home, tell him that." _

_ His mother frowns, "Do Kyungsoo, are you asking me to lie on your behalf?" _

_ "No, of course not," Kyungsoo replies on impulse. "I'm about to go there now." _

_ Kyungsoo runs pass his mother and into the bathroom, locking the door and takes a seat on the covered toilet bowl. He places his hand on the area on his chest where his beating heart should be. He still doesn't know how to calm it down despite doing all the breathing exercises that he knows.  _

_ Maybe this is what Baekhyun means when he talks about having a crush. But he can't possibly have a crush on Junmyeon, because according to Baekhyun, it means liking that person and wanting to be close to them. _

_ He is already close with Junmyeon and he doesn't like Junmyeon because he is stupid, not academically, but plain stupid. _

_ Stupidly lame. Stupidly clumsy. Stupidly smart. Stupidly kind. Stupidly handsome. Stupidly dazzling. Stupidly perfe- _

_ "ARGH!" _

_ Kyungsoo didn't sleep a wink that night and he didn't talk to Junmyeon for a week.  _

_He was thinking of not talking to him forever but his mother scolded him because , Junmyeon called and asked her to 'assure' Kyungsoo that indigestion isn't, in any way, contagious._

 

>>

 

Kyungsoo places the last piece of mozarella on top of his lasagna before putting the tray inside the oven. He almost dropped it though, for he has forgotten that the oven was actually pre-heated and he didn't put oven mitts on. 

He takes the tray back to the counter and hastily grabs an oven mitt. He grabs the tray again and sighs when he it's finally settled inside the oven.

Today is Kyungsoo's d-day. He is finally going to confess to Junmyeon after fifteen excruciatingly long years. 

Baekhyun suggested he prepare a romantic dinner, Junmyeon loves his cooking anyway, so he thought the idea was plausible. Until he actually started his preparations did he realize it was not easy especially with his heart constantly pounding against his ribcage.

He slumps on a chair and takes his phone from his pocket, dialling a number.

"I don't think this is gonna work, Baek. I'll just call him to cancel," he says the moment it stopped ringing.

" _Hey,_ " Baekhyun whines from the other line. " _How many times do I have to tell you? It will. And how many times do you have to call me?_ "

Kyungsoo plops his head on the table, trying to supress his palpitations. "But I almost burned my hand three times and cut my fingers twice, I think this is the universe telling me to stop."

" _Bullshit_ ," Baekhyun hisses. " _You listen here, Do Kyungsoo. You've been hiding this secret for more than half of your life, and it's an actual hindrance to your happily ever after. Do you even know the number of guys you've dumped and have dumped you?_ "

Kyungsoo closes his eyes and tries to recall the names of the people he dated, the ones he used in his attempt to get over Junmyeon.

There was a long silence, until Baekhyun speaks again. " _See? You can't even count them. What I'm saying is, at least let it out. Let him know. If his answer's negative, accept it, move on. You deserve this kind of freedom._ "

"Right...freedom...that's what I want," he murmurs although at the back of his head, he knew that it was impossible.

" _So_ ," Baekhyun clears his throat, adjusting his tone into something more cheerful, " _how's the preparation going?_ "

"Almost everything's ready. Oh, thanks for the wine by the way," Kyungsoo says, eyeing the expensive-looking bottle of wine sitting on the counter.

Baekhyun chuckles, " _It's nothing, I just snatched it from Chanyeol's cellar. So don't mention anything to him, okay?_ "

Kyungsoo facepalms at this.

" _What about the food? What did you cook?_ " Baekhyun inquires.

"Lasagna," Kyungsoo answers and then he realizes something, "shit."

Kyungsoo drops his phone before he can even hear Baekhyun asking, " _What on earth is lasagna shit? It sounds gross._ "

He runs to the oven and immediately takes out the tray of lasagna.

Kyungsoo actually burns his hand this time.

 

>>

 

Ten minutes before their agreed time, Kyungsoo finishes his preparation. He smiles in relief while staring at table, gold band plates on opposite sides, with carefully folded napkins on top. A tall candle is placed in the middle and Kyungsoo cringes at how cheesy it looks. But knowing Junmyeon, his eyes would definitely morph into hearts at the sight of this.

Kyungsoo retreats to his room first to change into something more appealing. 

Seven discarded shirts later, he regrets not accepting Baekhyun's offer to help. But then having Baekhyun in his room would probably mean he'll end up wearing something more revealing than his outfit in the reunion party last month. 

In the end, Kyungsoo settles for a plain black button-down and black jeans. He firmly believes that having an adorable face outweighs good fashion sense, and he has long convinced himself that he looks best in black.

After giving the mirror a once-over, he walks out and decides to wait on the couch. Looking at his wall clock, he realizes that Junmyeon is already thirty minutes late, which never really happened before.

Kyungsoo thinks it must be the traffic, it's a Friday night, of course the traffic is worst at this time. He was proud of his decision to file a leave from work, if he didn't, he and Junmyeon would be forced to have pizza and fried chicken for dinner without the fancy candle-lit set-up.

He figured he'd need to wait a little more and decided to watch something from the television while he did so. He was glad to find Gravity Falls on marathon that evening, and grabs a cushion as he adjusted his position (he was extra careful not to wrinkle his clothes).

After the final episode, Kyungsoo turns to the wall clock again to find that it's already half past twelve. He checks his phone but there wasn't anything from Junmyeon. His heart started pounding abnormally again as various scenarios of what might have happened flashed in his mind. 

He dials Junmyeon's number but before he can press the green button, his phone buzzes in his hand.

 

_**Kim Junmyeon:**_   _ Kyungsoo, I'm really really  really sorry. We closed a  deal earlier and there was  a sudden company party. I  totally forgot about today's  dinner and went straight home.  Anyway, you're probably  asleep now. I'm really sorry.  I'll make it up to you. _

 

Kyungsoo exhales in relief knowing Junmyeon is safe. But there is a weird unsettling feeling inside him when he rereads the message, especially that part about Junmyeon forgetting today's dinner. 

Kyungsoo reminded him everyday for the past three days, he even personally noted it on Junmyeon's planner when they last met. 

Kyungsoo wanted to cry, but he did his best to hold it in. He tells himself that he needs to understand Junmyeon, that he was busy with work and probably stressed

.Junmyeon has priorities.

"And I was never one of them," he smiles bitterly and walks to the fridge. 

He bought a tub of gourmet gelato for him and Junmyeon to share, but evaluating the situation, he decides he deserves the whole tub to himself.

"I should've listened to the universe," he hisses, stabbing on the frozen gelato with a spoon.

 

<<

 

_Kyungsoo was elated when his mother announced during dinner that Junmyeon's mother has invited them for lunch the next day._

_ "Their eldest son just got hired, it'll be his first job and she wants us to celebrate with them," his mother explains. _

_ Ever since Junmyeon confessed his love to his crush a month ago, he couldn't hang out with Kyungsoo anymore. He was too busy pursuing his 'angel' that he couldn't even sit with Kyungsoo for lunch. _

_ Kyungsoo was hurt, of course. He was all kinds of hurt. After their first drinking session, when Junmyeon told him everything, Kyungsoo almost stayed cooped up in his room for two whole days, if not for Baekhyun barging in with a tub of ice cream and a box of Oreo in the middle of the night.  _

_ As much as he wanted to hate Junmyeon and to never talk to him ever again, Kyungsoo misses his best friend. Sure, they spent the entire summer together, but when the school year started, all Junmyeon could see was his crush.  _

_ And he was really happy for this opportunity to have Junmyeon all for himself again. He'd be able to finally sit with Junmyeon again through lunch, although not alone, it's better than not staring at him while he adorably munched on his food.  _

_ The lunch was fun, it was the most enjoyable lunch he has ever had since the school year started. He got to sit across Junmyeon and had the best view of his adorable eating habits. Junmyeon's brother talked about his funny experience at his first job interview throughout dessert and everyone was a laughing mess. _

_ The best part though, was when Junmyeon smiled directly at Kyungsoo, in a way that did weird things to his heart and stomach, and invited him to his room while his brother opened a bottle of wine for the adults to share. _

_ "Are you sick?" was the first thing that Junmyeon tells him when they settled on his bed. _

_ Kyungsoo felt conscious when Junmyeon suddenly moved his face closer to his, seemingly examining him. He holds Kyungsoo by both shoulders and twists his body to check on every angle. It was when his touches started to get ticklish that Kyungsoo finally pushes him away. _

_ "I'm not," he cries. "You're being weird." Kyungsoo then drops his body on Junmyeon's bed, hugging a pillow to himself. He hugged it as tightly as he could, willing his heart to be calm and steady. _

_ It turned out to be a difficult task though, with the pillow and everything else around him reeking Junmyeon's scent. Kyungsoo was torn between running off and stay lying there for the rest of his life. _

_ Junmyeon's body bounces next to his to take the pillow off his face. "You look like it though," and then his face moves closer to Kyungsoo's again. "I mean, you're thinner and paler and the skin around your eyes have darkened." _

_ "It's probably because we haven't seen each other as much," Kyungsoo's voice almost cracks so he buries his face on the cushion. _

_ "Oh well," Junmyeon mutters awkwardly, unable to come up with an answer. It was silent for a while until Junmyeon decides to change the topic. "How is school, by the way?" _

_ Kyungsoo sighs dejectedly, finally taking off the pillow off his face. "Everything's fine except calculus. I think I'm gonna fail." _

_ "Really?" Junmyeon blinks. "I find it easy though." _

_ "And you don't have to be so cocky about it," Kyungsoo glares at him. _

_ "No, no," Junmyeon laughs, slowly moving away from Kyungsoo's reach. "What I'm saying is, I can teach you. I know shortcuts." _

_ Kyungsoo's eyes suddenly brighten. "Really?" _

_ "Yeah. How about tomorrow? At the library? After class?"  _

_ Kyungsoo was grateful he wasn't on his feet or he'd be jumping in joy and embarrassed himself.  _

 

>>

 

_ Once the last bell rang, Kyungsoo rushes into the stairs leading to the library. He takes the table nearest to the entrance so Junmyeon wouldn’t waste time to search for him. _

_ He takes out his hanky and wipes the sweat off his face from all the running that he did. He fixes his hair, his collar, and deeply breathes. He fishes his textbooks and notebook from his bag and lays them neatly on the table. He opens his lunch box to ensure that the banana milk he bought for Junmyeon is there. _

_ When everything’s settled, he checks his watch and notices that Junmyeon’s already late, for almost an hour. He thinks there must be something going on with his club, or he must be assigned to clean tonight. He decides to wait, borrowing a novel from one of the shelves and drowns himself into the story. _

_ He wasn’t even mindful of the time, not noticing that he’s been there for hours until the librarian approaches him because it’s time to close the library. Kyungsoo bows in apology and promptly gathers his stuff and haphazardly thrusts them in his bag.  _

_ He sprints home, thinking that his parents must be worried and it was past his dinnertime. Being caught up in the current situation, he forgets about Junmyeon not showing up for the first time. _

_ He ends up doing his calculus homework alone, he doubts if he’ll even get a correct answer, but he has no other choice. With a throbbing head from pretty much torturing his brain from all those numbers, he crashes on the bed and dozes off before a minute passes. _

_ Halfway through a nice dream, he wakes up with the sound of his ringing phone. He didn’t even check the caller ID and hastily answers it with a grunt.  _

_ “Kyungsoo,” the voice whispers and Kyungsoo’s eyes widen. _

_ “Junmyeon?” He croaks, checking his alarm clock. It was half past midnight. “Why?” _

_ “Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon calls out again, delight evident in his voice. ”Kyungsoo, I’m so happy.” _

_ Junmyeon even giggles and Kyungsoo sits up because he sounds like he was out of his mind. _

_ “Wait, are you drunk?”  _

_ Junmyeon just laughs loudly at Kyungsoo’s suspicion, “No, I’m not.” There was a pause, and Kyungsoo can practically feel Junmyeon’s happiness radiating through the line. “Well, drunk in love, probably. If there’s such a thing.” _

_ Kyungsoo’s heart drops. He knows where this conversation’s going, and he doesn’t want to participate in it. He hates the side of him that refuses to say no to everything that relates to Junmyeon. _

_ “We went out earlier. And then he said he likes me too. Can you believe that? And then,” Junmyeon pauses to quietly chuckle to himself. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this. But you don’t mind, right?” _

_ Of course, he doesn’t. That’s what he always tells him. So Junmyeon continues to narrate all the details of his date with his now ‘boyfriend’, and Kyungsoo wishes he can stop listening. _

 

>>

 

Kyungsoo grunts, fisting the sheet beneath him with one hand and running his fingers through his own hair with the other. He wasn't even aware that he was lying on his bed for too long until rays of sunlight started to get through the cracks of his bedroom window.

He closes his eyes and again watches Junmyeon's expression as it flashes in his head. They finally met again last night, Junmyeon took him out as a payback for the dinner that he "owed" Kyungsoo. 

Kyungsoo was frustrated to death throughout the dinner. Junmyeon wouldn't stop talking, from apologies for not making it the other night to stories about his work that Kyungsoo doesn't even understand. 

They were walking home together when Junmyeon asked a question that triggered something alarming inside Kyungsoo.

"Kyungsoo," Junmyeon pants, finally meeting Kyungsoo's pace and throwing an arm around his shoulder. "I was wondering, why did you even invite me the other day? Do you finally feel sorry? For not contacting me for eight years? You realized you missed me too much didn't you? Man, you're probably-"

"I like you," Kyungsoo blurts out, stopping in his tracks.

Junmyeon turns around to look at him, brows furrowed and eyes curious. "Excuse me?"

"I like- no, I love you," Kyungsoo repeats, looking at him straight in the eyes. Kyungsoo feels like he's gonna die because of too much palpitation, like he's gonna throw out his guts any minute now, but he couldn't deny that feeling of relief, like a heavy rock was finally lifted off of his chest. 

Junmyeon was dumbfounded, just staring back at Kyungsoo and not moving an inch. If this is another day Kyungsoo would've taken a picture, but today he has another agenda. 

"I love you, Junmyeon," he finally says, causing his heart and brain to remind him the words that he longed to say long ago. "I'm in love with you, I have always been. I don't exactly remember when, but I started seeing you differently since we were ten. I thought I was too young and that feeling was temporary, that I'll eventually get over it. I was wrong. Instead, it grew into something more dangerous, something that would badly hurt me if you didn't feel the same. That's why I ran away, you fell in love with someone else, and I got tired of keeping my tears in whenever I see you. Because as much as I want you for myself, I want you to be happy. And the vain side of me tells me that you might hold back from pursuing your happiness because you'd consider my feelings too, I'm your friend after all."

Kyungsoo ends his speech with a bitter chuckle. When he looks up at Junmyeon, the man was still staring at him in disbelief. And then his expression turned into something unpleasant, as if Kyungsoo did something immoral, as if he regrets ever meeting Kyungsoo again. Then he runs away, leaving Kyungsoo alone in the middle of the street.

Kyungsoo barely makes it home that night. He'd bump into strangers along the way and he wouldn't even stop to apologize. 

When he got inside his unit, Kyungsoo felt like doing everything he thought he'd never do. He wanted to thrash, to hurl everything within reach to the wall, to shout, and to cry until he'd stop feeling, until he forgets. 

He does just that, draining out his energy on his possessions. He spends the last of his energy to walk to his room and lie on the bed. He stays there, panting, not minding the mess that he just made. He was tired, his voice probably worn out and eyes finally empty of tears, but the feelings are still there.

 

<<

 

_When Kyungsoo consulted his parents about his plans for college, they shared a knowing look, as if Kyungsoo has finally discovered a family secret or something, and he thought it was weird._

_ As it turns out, they were just waiting for Kyungsoo to finish high school before they move to Busan. His father was tasked to take over his grandparents’ farm and his mother thought it would be nice to have a breath of fresh air. They decided to sell off their house and move to Busan. _

_ However, they still gave Kyungsoo the liberty to stay in Seoul. They said they’d give him money to rent an apartment while he studies college there.  _

_ Kyungsoo finds the idea of living without his parents uncomfortable, but when he feels uneasy    
when he thinks about the people that he'll leave behind. He imagines not seeing Junmyeon for a long time and he's not okay with it. So he promises his parents that he'll give them his decision before the month ends.  _

_ Three days later came the night before Kyungsoo's birthday. It was a Friday, so Kyungsoo decided to stay up to wait for Junmyeon's call. Junmyeon never fails to call him at least ten minutes before midnight to make sure he's the first one to greet Kyungsoo. _

_ However, five minutes before midnight and there still wasn't anything. He collapses on his bed and stares longingly at his phone which wouldn't even vibrate.  _

_ His body feels heavier along with his eyelids, and next thing he knew, he was walking in dreamland. _

 

>>

 

_ Kyungsoo hears faint murmurs that slowly pull him back to consciousness. He tries to block them by pushing his head deeper into the mattress. It was kinda working, until another body jumps on the bed and on his stomach. _

_ “Ow!” he cries and promptly sits up, his world turning because of the impulse. _

_ “HAPPY BIRTHDAY KYUNGSOO!” a chorus came, making Kyungsoo jump, he thought he was going to have a heart attack. _

_ He looks up and sees colourful balloons stuck to the ceiling. And his friends from the glee club (the ones he’s closest to next to Junmyeon) were smiling down at him, with Baekhyun in the center holding a cake with lit candles. _

_ “Make a wish! Make a wish!” a voice from the back shouts, which Kyungsoo recognized as Jongdae’s. _

_ When he was fully aware of what was happening, Kyungsoo feels the warmth of everyone’s smile at him and can’t help but giggle in happiness. “Is this serious?” _

_ “Oh, come on,” Baekhyun whines, thrusting the cake closer to his face, “this is tiring.” _

_ Kyungsoo laughs, “Alright.” He closes his eyes and wishes for a sign to make his decision final. _

_ After the surprise event, the group was invited by Kyungsoo’s mother to have breakfast with them. His mother has prepared a feast for breakfast, and each one bowed to thank her first, before practically fighting for food. _

_ Kyungsoo was happy, he wouldn’t deny that. But there seems to be a hole in his chest that he can’t explain, until Baekhyun pulls him to the side to whisper something. _

_ “Junmyeon will come. I texted him last night and he said he will, ‘definitely’,” he assures, giving Kyungsoo a pat on the cheek. _

_ But it never happened. Kyungsoo didn’t even see anything that is Junmyeon’s that day. _

 

>>

 

_ On Monday, Kyungsoo finds himself alone in the cafeteria while he ate his lunch. Nobody is free since they were busy fulfilling the requirements for graduation, which Kyungsoo has done weeks ago.  _

_ Not having enough appetite, he started packing his half-eaten food again, feeling dejected. He was about to leave his seat when a voice calls his name. _

_ “Hey,” a panting Junmyeon appears in front of him, sweaty, but Kyungsoo still finds him fresh. “I was looking for you since this morning.” _

_ Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything and just watches as Junmyeon sits across him and casually drinks from his tumbler. _

_ “Happy birthday,” Junmyeon abruptly tells him, his default bright smile on. “I mean, belated.” _

_ “Thanks,” Kyungsoo mumbles, somehow grateful that Junmyeon haven’t completely forgotten. _

_ “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come to your party,” Junmyeon looks down, one hand coming up to pinch his right earlobe. “I was caught up in-“ _

_ And then a hand grips Junmyeon’s shoulder. It was his boyfriend, who started pulling him up from the seat. _

_ “I’ll see you around,” he quickly tells Kyungsoo before walking away. And as Kyungsoo looks at Junmyeon’s back, he knew it was the sign that he wished for. _

 

>>

 

Two weeks. Kyungsoo didn't hear from Junmyeon for two weeks after that. He'd spend his evenings with Baekhyun and get his friend to cook for him. In some nights when Baekhyun was busy, Kyungsoo will settle for a bottle of soju for dinner. He refused to acknowledge the presence of a tray of frozen lasagna tucked somewhere in his fridge.

Luckily, there was an influx of clients for both weeks, leaving Kyungsoo exhausted when he finally steps into his apartment and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the mattress. Sometimes he wouldn't even bother stepping out of Baekhyun's place and would just sleep on the latter's couch.

For two weeks, Kyungsoo felt peaceful. He thought he'd be fine if this goes on forever. If this what Junmyeon wants, them being strangers to each other, then he's fine with it.

However, when he and Baekhyun were walking out of their office building to have coffee, he realizes it was the calm before the storm. 

That particular storm came in the form of Junmyeon, standing on the curb in front of their office building, holding two cups of coffee and a sunny smile to Kyungsoo's direction. 

Baekhyun snorts before whispering something about forgetting a memo on his desk to Kyungsoo and leaving him to deal with Junmyeon alone. Kyungsoo doesn't move from his spot, just staring at Junmyeon trying to figure out what the man is up to. 

That was until Junmyeon walks closer to him and offers him a cup, which he hesitantly took. Junmyeon's hand slides from his right shoulder down to his back, and then it was gone. Junmyeon was suddenly walking away from him again.

Kyungsoo keeps his eyes on Junmyeon's back, secretly wanting to tug at his jacket and pull him back. But then Junmyeon stops and stares at him with a confused look.

"Aren't you coming?" Junmyeon asks, head tilted to the side.

That's when Kyungsoo realized that Junmyeon wasn't exactly walking away. They were supposed to move together. He blames it on Junmyeon's reaction two weeks ago. He now thinks that Junmyeon would constantly run away from him no matter what he does.

They settle on a bench under a tree somewhere around the building. Kyungsoo made sure he was at least a foot away from Junmyeon. If the other man walks away again, he might lose control of his emotions and impulsively pull him back. 

Junmyeon clears his throat to get his attention. Kyungsoo turns to him and Junmyeon was looking anywhere but Kyungsoo.

"You could've told me then, you know?" Junmyeon stutters, taking a sip from his coffee cup. "You could've told me that you, uhm...feel that way."

Kyungsoo quietly snorts. "Why? So you can run away from me sooner? You regret not leaving me first, don't you?"

"What?" Junmyeon turns to give Kyungsoo a dirty look. "It's not what you think, Kyungsoo. I didn't run because I didn't want that. It means nothing that equates to me not liking you."

Kyungsoo grips the cup tighter with both hands as he feels his heart jump. He was suddenly feeling giddy and hope started to build up inside him again. 

"What do you mean?"

"I was tempted," Junmyeon looks down, as if he was guilty of some crime, "I was tempted to take you in my arms and keep you for myself. But I thought it would be unfair for me to do that. The last thing I'd do is to take you for granted."

Junmyeon looks at him and Kyungsoo almost crumbled at the sincerity in his eyes. He could even make out signs of tears threatening to fall out of Junmyeon's eyes.

Kyungsoo wanted to hug him, to comfort him and do anything to make him smile again. But that was the problem, he doesn't know what Junmyeon wants. 

"I'm broken, Soo," Junmyeon utters, not breaking the eye contact, "I was almost married, I was excitedly planning for my big day, and then the next thing I know I was being left alone. I was broken beyond repair, and then I found you. You made me so happy Kyungsoo, but whenever I'm not with you, I'd still cry alone at night. When you confessed, I can't help but think that it was an opportunity, an opportunity for me to move on and be happy with someone who truly loves me. But I was afraid that I might be mistaking my feelings for you for love. I don't want to use you as a quick fix, Kyungsoo, you deserve more than that. I don't want to be comfortably resting in your arms when subconsciously, I am longing for someone else."

Kyungsoo almost blows up. No matter which angle he looks at, it has always been unfair for him. He feels desperate, he wants to tell Junmyeon that he is willing to accept him in any form. Kyungsoo has been broken for years, and Junmyeon is the only fix that he needs.

But then the rational side of him takes over, telling him that this will only result to him, crumbling in the end. He realizes Junmyeon was even kind enough not to take advantage of him. 

Though he can't help but feel resentment toward the situation, that even after so many years Junmyeon still can't love Kyungsoo the way he wanted him to. 

"Is that what you came here for?" He asks, still looking down, not even daring to make any move. 

"I," Junmyeon starts, a bit hesitant, but he speaks anyway. "I actually have a favor to ask."

Kyungsoo looks at him questioningly, not trusting himself to speak. Junmyeon looks at him in the eyes with an intensity that could melt him.

"Time," Junmyeon says firmly. "I know it's selfish of me but I want you to give me time. I need to heal, to sort my feelings out, to understand my own heart, and then I'll come back to you with an answer. Kyungsoo, I know it's too much to ask, but let me just-"

Kyungsoo stands up, fishing his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it. "I'm sorry, but I need to go." He places the coffee on the bench and runs to the building, finally letting his tears fall. 

There wasn't anything, really. He was on a coffee break and he doesn't have anything to do in his office, he just needed to get away. Because if he didn't, he would've agreed. 

He would've agreed to wait for Junmyeon, even when he's sure that it means him waiting in vain. Junmyeon confirmed it himself, that he might still be in love with his ex, and what he feels for Kyungsoo isn't love. 

Kyungsoo doesn't need to wait for Junmyeon to tell him directly that he will never be loved the way he wanted him to. 

 

>>

 

"I hate this," Kyungsoo slams the bottle of liquor on the center table and leans his head on the couch. "I hate this feeling, I hate myself. I want to stop hoping, and waiting, and wanting him altogether, but I can't."

Chanyeol, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor across Kyungsoo, nudges Baekhyun, who was beside him, by the elbow. Baekhyun looks at him with a blank face and shrugs.

Park Chanyeol, Baekhyun's rich boyfriend, went home today from his business trip. He and Baekhyun was in the middle of a romantic dinner at Baekhyun's apartment when Kyungsoo barged in with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand and the excuse of, "I'm sorry but I can't really trust myself with my life once I empty this bottle."

The couple thought it was a reasonable one since Kyungsoo almost drowned himself in the toilet bowl after drinking half of the bottle in one shot. 

"Who is he talking about?" Chanyeol whispers while keeping a careful eye on Kyungsoo's dishevelled state. "This is far from the Kyungsoo that I know."

Baekhyun rolls his eyes, "Stop acting like you don't know."

Chanyeol discretely gasps in return, "You don't mean the one, do you? Did they meet again? How?" 

"It's a long story, but yes," Baekhyun whispers back, still watching Kyungsoo while he stares drunkenly at the ceiling, nursing an almost empty bottle in his arms.

Chanyeol drapes an arm around Baekhyun's shoulder and leans his body on his boyfriend. "I didn't know an unrequited love could last this long."

Chanyeol jumps in his seat when Kyungsoo suddenly made eye contact with him, “Believe me, I’ve asked myself a million times.“So what’s your plan now?” Baekhyun asks, crossing his arms and raising a brow at Kyungsoo’s direction.  

Kyungsoo laughs but stops when Baekhyun glares at him. He forces a serious face on and shrugs, “I don’t know. Forget?” and then he laughs again, downing the remnants of his bottle.

 

<<

 

_ After college, Kyungsoo accepts a job offer in Seoul, as what his parents insisted. There’s more to life than growing old, working as a clerk in a province where progress seems unlikely, they said. They even bought a condo unit for Kyungsoo as a graduation gift, and to guilt trip him into moving there instead of staying with them. _

_ He didn’t have a hard time adjusting, since it was just a few years since he left and Seoul hasn’t changed that much. To his surprise, he meets Baekhyun again, now as an officemate. _

_ “I guess we’re soulmates after all,” Baekhyun jokingly states during their orientation. _

_ Baekhyun freaks out when Kyungsoo told him that he’s never dated anyone and immediately arranges a blind date for him. The first one didn’t work out, but Baekhyun was determined to get a boyfriend for Kyungsoo so he signs him up for another one. _

_ Kyungsoo’s first three months in Seoul ended up with him participating in a stream of failed blind dates. Although he couldn’t deny that some were potential better than the others, he even decided dating them for real but a week after he either dumps them or he’s the one getting dumped. _

_ Baekhyun eventually gave up, and instead, invites Kyungsoo to his apartment to get drunk because he’s failed his mission. _

_ “You’ll fall in love on your own anyway, maybe this just isn’t your time,” he tells him over their fifth can of beer. _

_ “But I am already in love,” Kyungsoo slurs, giggling drunkenly to himself. _

_ Baekhyun scoffs, “Judging by the way your blind dates have reacted, you seem like you don’t even have a heart.” _

_ “That is because my heart is reserved for someone,” Kyungsoo smirks, waggling a pointer at Baekhyun’s face. _

_ “You don’t mean Kim Junmyeon, do you? Your high school puppy love,” Baekhyun teases, as if he just mentioned Kyungsoo’s dirtiest secret. _

_ But Kyungsoo was mum, his face suddenly void of emotions. Baekhyun realizes he doesn’t need an answer to his question. He kicks Kyungsoo under the table in shock, “Are you kidding me?” _

_ Kyungsoo drops his head on the table with a thud. “I wish I am.” _

_ Baekhyun just stares at Kyungsoo’s pitiful state. It seemed like Kyungsoo has finally broken down his walls and showed him his weakness. He wasn’t used to seeing Kyungsoo like that. _

_ “Well, I know of a way to help you get over him.” _

_ Kyungsoo ends up in another stream of blind dates. This one’s much better because he has a goal to achieve, to divert his feelings to someone else. _

_ However, his relationships wouldn’t last long, as he can’t help but compare his boyfriends to Junmyeon and his fantasy of having him as a boyfriend. _

_ An exception came in the form of Kim Jongin, half-human, half-sex god. Kyungsoo’s jaw literally dropped the first time they met. At that moment, Kyungsoo thought that he was the kind of guy Kyungsoo would fall for (aside from Kim Junmyeon). _

_ Their relationship lasted longer than the others because Jongin has everything that Kyungsoo looks for in a man. He may look tough and manly, but he was all kinds of gentle to Kyungsoo.  _

_ He was funny and sweet at the same time. Kyungsoo loves the fact that he’s a dancer, a profession that isn’t, in any way, related to Kyungsoo’s work, so Kyungsoo learns a lot of new things from him.  _

_ He takes Kyungsoo home despite Kyungsoo’s apartment being out of his way. He cuddles with Kyungsoo while he binge watched cartoon shows which his other boyfriends find weird. Jongin was perfect, and Kyungsoo hopes to fall in love with him. _

_ On their sixth-month anniversary, Jongin takes him to a picnic date. He cooked everything himself as a payback for Kyungsoo’s effort of always cooking for the both of them. Kyungsoo finds it cute so he kisses Jongin on the cheek in return. _

_ “Thank you,” Kyungsoo grins, patting his tummy. “For the food, and for the effort. I know you had a hard time, I’ll cook your favourite tomorrow.” _

_ Jongin gives him an affectionate smile, looking at him as if he had seen a real diamond. “I love you,” he blurts out. _

_ Kyungsoo’s grin falters as guilt started rising up from his stomach. He opens his mouth to reply but no words come out. He feels sorry that he can’t even give Jongin what he deserves. _

_ “Kyungsoo,” Jongin reaches out to squeeze his hand in reassurance. “I know you’re trying, and I appreciate that. But to be completely honest with you, I don’t think this relationship will ever work out. I can never be the man that will truly make you happy.” _

_ “J-jongin,” Kyungsoo stutters, tears already flowing from both his eyes. “I’m sorry.” _

_ Jongin smiles, and rubs soothing circles on his back. “Don’t be. I just wanna tell you that I really do love you, and I’ll never regret any of those days that we’ve spent together.” _

_ And that is how Kyungsoo broke someone else’s heart while he’s trying to fix his. _

 

>>

 

It was two and a half months this time. No calls, no texts, no anything from Junmyeon for almost three months. Kyungsoo considers it a breather, probably for the both of them. Just this time, Kyungsoo wishes that the next time they’ll meet, he has already moved on. 

So his heart almost fell when a doorbell ring comes unexpectedly that evening. Pausing the movie that he was watching, Kyungsoo gets up from the couch and carefully walks to the door. He takes three deep breaths first to calm himself before unlocking the door. 

Kyungsoo was stunned the moment he swings the door open.

“Hi,” the man in front of him says, an awkward smile on because Kyungsoo’s expression isn’t even close to welcoming. They stare at each other for a long time, Kyungsoo’s eyes not quivering because he still can’t believe what he was seeing, and he wasn’t sure what to do next.

The man gulps, obviously jumpy, but he speaks anyway. “Can I come in?”

“Oh.” Kyungsoo almost stumbles as he steps aside to let his visitor in. 

The man walks straight to the living room, leaving Kyungsoo standing by the door. Kyungsoo hastily shuts the door close before padding his way to the living room where the visitor is comfortably seated on his couch.

“J-jongin,” he nervously calls out.

Kyungsoo started fidgeting when the other man turns to look at him. “Would you…would you like anything?”

Jongin slowly smiles and shakes his head. He then raises both of his arms, holding up a pack of beer with one hand, and a box of chicken takeout with the other. 

“Oh,” Kyungsoo slowly walks and sits on the couch, as far from Jongin as possible. 

Jongin notices his action and chuckles, “I won’t bite.” He says before handing a can of beer to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo curtly bows, taking the can with both hands. He watches as Jongin opens the box and takes a piece of fried chicken, wolfing half of the meat in one bite. “What brings you here?”

Jongin smirks at him and Kyungsoo’s heart stops. Jongin is still as attractive as ever. “Why? Can’t I miss my own boyfriend?”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen at his remark. “Jongin,” he scolds, slightly glaring at him.

“Alright, alright. I’m kidding,” Jongin chuckles before composing himself and looks seriously at Kyungsoo. “I’m afraid this might be the last time that we’ll be seeing each other.”

Kyungsoo grabs a cushion and throws it at Jongin’s face. “Quit shitting,” he hisses.

Jongin sits up and started laughing loudly, “I’m serious though.” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes at him so he forces a straight face on. “I am, believe me.”

He fishes out his phone from his front pocket and types something. He then shows the screen to Kyungsoo, whose face falls when he reads the details of a flight booked in Jongin’s name.

“You really are leaving,” Kyungsoo mutters gloomily.

Kyungsoo leans his back on the couch, looking down to avoid Jongin’s eyes because he’s pretty much sure that he’ll tear up. Jongin chuckles and pinches him on the cheek.

“What? You regret dumping me now?”

Kyungsoo looks up, pouting. “You dumped me, though.” 

Jongin continues chucking while he pulls Kyungsoo in his arms. “You broke my heart, though.”

Kyungsoo looks up, guilt was evident in his eyes. Jongin just smiles warmly at him, pulling him closer. “I’m kidding. I’ll be fine as long as you’re happy.”

It was Kyungsoo’s cue to cry. He buries his face deeper into Jongin’s chest to hide his tears, but ends up soaking the latter’s shirt. 

If it was solely up to him, he would’ve fallen in love with Jongin long ago. He would’ve saved the poor guy, and himself, from heartbreak by loving him back. 

But Kyungsoo has long discovered that love isn’t something that can be based on anyone’s discretion.

They end up finishing the movie that Kyungsoo was watching, along with the chicken that Jongin brought. The beer was an exception since Jongin was gonna drive and Kyungsoo was strict when it comes to safety.

It was a quarter before ten when Jongin decides to go home. Kyungsoo walks him to the door, staring longingly while Jongin puts his shoes on. He doesn’t want to lose another good friend.

Kyungsoo opens the door for Jongin, whose smile wouldn’t even quiver. It was probably to keep Kyungsoo from feeling sad and guilty, and Kyungsoo almost cries again because how can Jongin treat him like this when Kyungsoo shamelessly broke his heart months ago.

Jongin steps out of Kyungsoo’s flat while Kyungsoo holds the door open. Jongin was about to walk away, but he halts. He turns to face Kyungsoo, eyes brimming with tears but still smiling. “I’ll call you,” he whispers.

And Kyungsoo can’t help but to jump into Jongin’s arms and feels his warmth for the last time. “Take care.”

Jongin pulls away to plant a kiss on Kyungsoo’s forehead, “Bye,” he says, and then his warmth was gone, and Kyungsoo was alone again.

Kyungsoo stays standing there, looking at the direction where Jongin went, still convincing his heart to love Jongin instead, to no avail.

He was taken out of his reverie by shuffling sounds behind him. And he jumps in surprise when he turns and sees a silhouette beside his apartment door. He takes his phone and turns on the flashlight, illuminating the figure.

“Junmyeon?” he calls, relieved that it wasn’t actually a thief. 

Junmyeon, who was leaning against the wall, looks up at him with tired eyes. “How long have you been there?”

Junmyeon straightens, walking closer to Kyungsoo who was about to open the door. “I saw you let him in.”

“What?” Kyungsoo’s head snaps at Junmyeon’s direction. “You should’ve pressed the doorbell, I would’ve let you in. It’s cold here.”

Junmyeon chuckles bitterly, “Would you, now?”

And then it dawns on Kyungsoo that he and Junmyeon are not in a comfortable situation right now. 

So he refuses to talk back and proceeds to open the door to his unit.

“You should have called me,” Junmyeon says, walking behind Kyungsoo as they enter Kyungsoo’s house. “You shouldn’t have given me false hopes. I’ve been broken enough Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo turns to him, fidgeting because Junmyeon’s tone was far from friendly.

“What are you talking about?”

Junmyeon glowers at him, “Your boyfriend. What else?”

“B-but Jongin is not my boyf-“

“Yeah, not when he hugged and kissed you,” Junmyeon was glaring at him now, and Kyungsoo wishes he understands where Junmyeon is coming from. “Was he a part of it? Of your ploy to get back at me for breaking your heart? I never pegged you as someone who stoops this low.”

Something snaps inside Kyungsoo and his blood started boiling. How can Junmyeon talk to him like this?

“How can you say that?” he spats. “You don’t have any right to judge me when you don’t even know what you’ve caused. I don’t even remember the number of people I’ve dated, _used_ , to forget about my feelings for you. And that one person, the only person that loved me in the way you didn’t, left me. Because I broke his heart, I broke his heart when he could’ve fixed mine. I wished I have fallen for him instead, because then he’ll be there to catch me. But I can’t. I can’t stop loving you, and I hate-“

Kyungsoo was too busy letting out his frustrations that he didn’t notice Junmyeon has lurched forward and pulled him by the elbow. He feels Junmyeon’s breath on his face first before his lips was on his, drawing him into a kiss that he has been dreaming of since he was a kid. 

Junmyeon’s lips were soft, just like how he imagined. And his arms around Kyungsoo were warm, sending Kyungsoo into a frenzy he never thought of feeling.

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon utters when he pulls away. “I’m sorry for taking too long, for being dumb, for hurting you, for-“

Kyungsoo pulls him in a kiss again. He doesn’t want to hear Junmyeon’s apologies. He only needs  to hear one thing.

Junmyeon pulls away again and stares affectionately right into Kyungsoo’s eyes.

“I love you,” he finally says and Kyungsoo feels like he’s going to burst.

 

>>

 

“Why do I feel like you’re going to be a bad boyfriend?” Kyungsoo jokes over dinner that night. 

He still can’t believe Junmyeon came, and told him he loved him. He secretly pinches his thighs to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.

Junmyeon looks up from his food and raises a brow. “Who says I want to be your boyfriend, though?”

Kyungsoo was dumbfounded. Now he’s sure that he is indeed dreaming. How embarrassing. 

He looks up again, and this time, Junmyeon was smiling, sliding a small box across the table.

“I think fiancé sounds better, don’t you think?”

Kyungsoo drops his fork to the floor, eyes wide and jaw hanging. 

“I…uh…aren’t we going too fast?”

“Well,” Junmyeon looks down, scratching on his neck. “I thought I was fifteen years too slow, so might as well.”

“This isn’t the kind of proposal that I’ve been dreaming of,” he silently mutters. 

He can’t believe that Junmyeon continues to disappoint him even as a boyfriend. But he's waited fifteen years for this, what more could he ask for?


End file.
